I was going through my book of thoughts and prayers, and while reading over some old entries, I came across one that really hit me. As I read, tears fell. I remembered the desperation I was feeling at the time. I wanted so badly to do a work for God, and for Him to be able to trust me, but I felt as if God was so far away and had so many better people to use than me. After reading the entry, I wondered how many others feel this way. Feeling like God has just given up on them, or may not be listening because of sin or unbelief, but deep down, desire is screaming out. Desire to really please God, and to do something special for Him. Something that would really please Him, and truly make a difference in this world of people suffering with deep hurts and pains.
I want to share what I had written, and I hope, somehow this ministers to you.
Entry date: Unknown
Conviction, it’s like a knife stabbing at my heart over and over again, wrenching at my emotions. Where do I stand? I don’t feel His power any longer, yet, He calls my name. Burden… you’ve escaped me! Commitment… where are you? Faith… how? Yet desire knows me well. It screams within me. In the midst of prayer, it consumes me.
I need you in my life Lord! I need a personal relationship with you! I need to know you! My heart is bleeding, my soul is starving. Head of stone, I despise you! Break this stone Lord. No, crush it! I can’t stand to live with this half-hearted servant hood any longer. I want a new thing begun within me! Destroy this mediocre man within me and bring up a new one.
I want to be used. I want to be used. I need to be used! I need to be used! Break me Lord!
I love you Jesus.
I can’t say that I’ve arrived at the place where I’m completely satisfied in the work I’m doing for God, but I don’t really think I’ll ever be able to say that. I can say however, I do see the purpose that God has shaped my life to become. All the hurts, all the unanswered questions, all the times I felt as if I was only being used and unappreciated by those I thought should love me. I see now how God has used these things to shape me into a man He could use; not only to do the things I had hoped I could, but to do the things He desires me to. I had to become broken, and then remade, so that He could see His own reflection in me.
I know He wants to trust me with the love he’s given me for others; to love them in such a way that when He reveals their secrets to me, I’ll take the time and love them through the healing process that so desperately needs to take place, to not judge or throw rocks for the faults I see but to love them the way He does. God first had to chip some really big things out of my own personal life so that this could be possible. Again, I have in no way arrived, but I can see a difference that wasn’t there before. What I see now is love. Love instead of judgement.